just a thought

how do you resist from giving in to your feelings, emotion? why is it so hard for us to do that. stop ourselves from feeling love, infatuation, liking even. the slightest emotion turns your whole day, your life, your very existence around. what seemed so simple and straight becomes twisted, full of junctions and curves in life. it becomes this complex maze that you can't get out of. it dictates you. it rules the way you live, the way you feel, the way you act, the way you breathe even. seeing that someone, hearing from that someone feels like trapped air rushing out of your body, carrying with it an emotion that just exhilarates you beyond words. and vice versa, not hearing or seeing would just drop a giant boulder on your shoulder. you bow your head the whole day, carrying this heavy and burdensome emotion. even your laugh sounds hollow. you try to be realistic but no matter how hard you try, it's there. you can't hide from it. you can't shut it, because it's IN you. denying it is like trying to stop breathing. denying it is hyprocritical. so what do you do? you try to act normal, disguising the burden you're dragging behind you. every night you lie down to sleep, the feeling slowly creeps up to you, but you ignore it. hard to do at first, but you drown it in fatigue, in other emotion like commitment to your family, to your work. YOU BE REALISTIC. YOU FACE THE FACTS. you. you just live.. when you read about it or hear about it, you feel jealous, you feel insecure, you feel worthless. but you live.. you know you're not worthless, you know you're confident, you know you're okay. but it's there, the feeling is still there. nagging you, haunting you. stalking you. it surfaces when you have a quiet moment, it creeps up when you're at the edge of consciousness. just when you thought you're okay, you're fine, you realise that you're not. IT IS STILL THERE. am i a coward to deny it? does it make me, make me arrogant denying it, hiding it. WHAT DOES it make me? am i too proud to admit it? you evaluate your feelings, you try to be fair, try to rationalise it. just when you thought you're at the end of the maze, just when you thought you could see the light at the end of the road, it gets dimmer, and dimmer and dimmer and you're left behind, with only a glimpse of that dim light. you know what's worst? being in the middle, just being there. why? you can't go back on your emotion and you have no idea what's stopping you from moving ahead with it.
rejection. is that what's blocking the way? how much would it hurt? how much damage would it cause? would you be able to act like you use to if it happened? it will never be the same. change. could it be change? what's so frightening about it? a small word with powerful effects.. humiliation? how would you act? how would you act..
what now?? :-/