Semuuuuuut!!!

i have this huge printer box behind my chair filled with past semester's papers. actually the papers belong to my colleague, (harta sepeninggalan..). i use it to put my files, rows of them.

we were talking when one of us noticed a row of fat ants marching along my colleague's window sill. the ants were moving their eggs (euwww..) and they look like marching dandruff (hah!) so i traced the origins of the marching dandruff and found they came from the box behind my chair.

of course i freaked! just imagine the ants rushing out like water bursting from a dam! the queens were so freaking huge!! ergh.. gross..

then, i called our janitor and he saved the day by spraying them out of existence. phew..

tomorrow, the box and it's content will be gone forever and i can now put a proper table in its place.

muahaha...!!

and oh, i bought a short skirt today. the length of an A4 paper. ooo.... hehe...
i guess i just made someone's fantasy come true..! ;>

strike three!!!!!!!!!!!!

this is the third post for today. with a different mood of course.

i'm feeling lighter now. just 'visited' my baby's friendster thingy. waa... so confusing the site. it's so limiting oso. sik paham akoo..

anyway, you've got a lot of 'girl friends' baby. bergunung-gunung. hehe..
nope, i'm not jealous, i'm just possessive :p
can you blame me?

anyway, now i know who is who, i guess i'm comforted. a bit.
okay la. a lot. hehe..

reeeed! yelllllllow!! green. haih.... just call me okay?

depression

until today, i never actually realised how depressing one can be.
i don wan to turn my blog into an ALL complain blog bcoz i know there are others with bigger problems than mine, but, how else do i express wat's in my heart and my messed up brain?

i just got my moolah yesterday, and already i barely have enough to pass the month with. not to mention i'm starting my masters program in august, which means i'll be going to kl for registration, first class, classes just before the mid term and final, which means i have to spend on air tickets. plus, my doter is always sick nowadays on the account of the weather and one time medic bill for her is always, ALWAYS about RM100. imagine IF she has to go to normah, twice a month, cannot live liao la....

i'm trying to figure out a way to pay for the expenses myself rather than depend on my parents. i'm too old to do that now. besides, they're already paying for my masters. so.. i am now looking for a part time job, as, what else if not a tutor. haih.. i guess that means i have to put watever i have in mind on hold for now.

i never have enough money, but, it just hit me real hard this time. well, i better start printing out my resume.

bye.

oh tedah!

i was driving towards the amphitheatre yesterday for my walk and saw this pick-up parked in the middle of the road. "What the f**k?" came out followed by "Oh My Gosh!".

there, what used to be the familiar sight of sarawak club, was no more. it was completely burnt down, except for one structure in front of the pool. unbelievable. according to this morning's papers, the club caught fire at dawn yesterday, around 3.30am. so.. sayang.
130 years of history. now in ashes and smoke.

as i parked and began my warm up, i heard one guy say, "i just ate there yesterday. haya...". as i did my rounds, i saw more people coming and just milling around, talking to the staff that was there. penuh indah parking space marek, nasib sempat parking.. truly unbelievable.

AND, what's more unbelievable, I, yours truly, never sempat masuk and check the place out.
haih..

oh well.. i guess they just have to pick up what's left and start it again. for the better this time.

Boring...

i'm as entitled. my baby can't really talk coz he's busy, i have nothing to do anymore coz it's the final, and the net is so big i don't know what to look for. any suggestions? and neither do i have anything interesting to say since, well, there's nothing interesting to tell.

haih...

mooood swiinnggss

it's hard being a woman. too much hormones. they rule you sometimes and you have no choice but to bow to their demands.
"feel angry!"
"now feel happy."
"now laugh."
"now feel angry again."
"next, feel jealous and bla..bla..."

haih..

Q: what should you do in times like that? try to control it?
A: yeah, it's the most rational thing to do, but, it's so, HARD to do!!!
Q: so what now? give in to it?
A: hmm, you'll look like a fool. plus, the result of your tantrum will probably leave a very very baaaaaad impression on your environment i.e. office mates, friends, boyfriend, bla bla..

geezers.. i feel like i wan to shout and jump until i can't breathe properly anymore. i think it's time for me to buy a good sturdy sports bra so i can run. i wan to run. i wan to get stiches on my sides. i wan to be red in the face and breathe hard and wheeze and feel like passing out. i wan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i also wan to cry and wail like a baby. i wan to slam my fist down and kick and just scream!!!!!!!!!! i think i should drink myself drunk. that way, i can do all the above in peace. well, at least people would know that i'm drunk when i'm doing it. which is better than to be perceived as an old brat!

haih.. periods. i never actually realised my temperamental actions were the results of chemical reactions in my body. maybe i could have behaved better last time if i did. but then again, i have full knowledge of why now, and i still act like i do. go figure :P

today's blog is brought to you by
a disgruntled blog owner
who somehow somewhere feels like blaming everything on her beloved and dearly missed baby.
i dunno, dun ask.

[-(

Monday, bleurgh..

it's the final. and i'm bored. to death. well, actually that's exaggerating, but you get the idea. my computer was admitted to the 'hospital' this morning. somehow the network card decided today is the best day to give me problems.. above all things, the network card.

did i mentioned i went to betong? i did, didn't i? well, it was a good trip. the crew nearly left me behind, but apart from that, the trip was normal. i was in the unser with two of my colleagues, fafa and cmah, and our ceo and chairman. funny old men.

on our way to betong, we suddenly were involved in wat our boss like to say, 'betong drift', the localisation of tokyo drift. instead of racing macho mean badass cars, we raced the unser against, wait for it.. wait for it... trailers. palak trailers make it. hehe... imagine the trailers ejecting their goods off and changing into the racing mode... wahseh wahseh! hehe... it sounds stoopid now, but back then, it was damn funny. all of us got headache and tummy cramps, laughing. the food we had during this trip was so-so, nothing special. i thought we were going to have the outdoor barbeque again in this trip, like last year, but, hmm... :(
oh well....

i miss my baby strawberry.
ooo.. baby, we should find strawberries and buy cream and well, eat it! haha.. ;P

i wan to find hawaiian shorts.

ok liao, i'm hungry.

Lamak Dah kah?

Our final is next week. Everyone, and i mean EVERYONE, is in a frenzy. Marking papers, calling students to submit their watevers (we so nice one ho?) and preparing reports... bla bla bla... sigh.. i think my room occupants (including yours truly) has gone bonkers!! gliar!!

i wan to eat cheeseburger!!!!!!!!!! am going with my colleague to mcd after this. yay! so hungry..

And i'm going to Betong for our 2nd phase, the roadshow thingy. going straight after work. brought my clothes with me. macam lari dari rumah pulak. hehe.. nasib my doter did not give me muka jaik. she okay jak. phew....

oh, my baby, my boyfriend, my person of interest, asked me a reeaally silly question last night.
"ada org di betong kah?" which earned him a "sik (no)....... kerak jak." at which he replied with roars of laughter accompanied by a big stinky fart. hehe... ooops!!
now you know.

;P

Angel Tears

no.. i did not see an angel cry.. sigh..

i didn't know what it meant or how it felt to cry bcoz you're happy. last night, i finally experienced it. it was... warm, it made me feel wanted, needed, loved. he didn't actually said the three words, but, it was close. plus cun2 masa ya lagu cina angel ya pun ada... hence the title.. i don't need him to say it, bcoz i know how he feels. but, to hear it from him makes it more real, solid, if you know what i mean.

i love you baby.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i lost another 3 kg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! muahahahaha........ but, my bmi is still unhealthy..haih..
guess i have to work harder. tapi so susah... especially in the morning.. i don't know how i did it the first time. i want to start walking in the morning again. it's much more effective in terms of fat burn, hehe.. makes me feel calm collected and confident oso..

march 2 3 4!! =P

webcams and woes..

i just talked to my baby. he had his webcam on and i was so the very happy to see him!! i know it's only been a month, but hey, the heart misses whom it misses.

oh well... it went fine, the picture was a bit swingy for my stomach but i managed (hehe.. i got seasick..)

finally i get to see my baby online after so many wondering nights.. yay!!

but, as we were chatting, he gave me this look of his that always made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, that 'i miss you' look. (my baby always give me that look when we're together)
i actually got teary and drops of 'rain' fell from my eyes.. sob sob.. (don ask, i oso dunno why suddenly emo one)
i tried really hard to control the flow but it got lebat'er lebat'er pulak.. have to practically cover my eyes with tissue paper. thank goodness i didn't look like i was crying and.... thank goodness i managed to control my tears.. phew.. kenak question colleagues pulak if too obvious.. hehe..
haih.. so emo... but, i can't help it..

i got gerems oso just now, so near and yet so far...

oh well, there's always august.. or september.. hehe..
i think i have to go kj to register and meet my courseleaders baby.. yay!

Hmph

have you ever had a paranoid feeling that someone is hiding something from you and you're dying to know but you don't ask bcoz you're afraid it'll piss that person off and cause a big stoopid fight?

i'm having that feeling now. i dunno why. i tried to do some research just now, couldn't find what i wanted to know. it used to be there but, suddenly, after that person knew what i was doing, suddenly hilang pulak that thing. ei............... what the fuck??! (can i say that?)

now, who won't be paranoid? you would be, won't you? it's harmless, the action, but bcoz of someone's action, it became suspicious. hm...... when we ask that person, that person say dunno, pulak..

should i pursue my research, or let it go, bcoz it's the past? but how would you learn if not from the past? how would you understand if not from the past?

i'm just curious you know. tell me what i want and i'll be satisfied. avoid me, i'll pursue you like a hound. dangerously stoopid. i know it is, but, how would you learn if you don't do that?
the fuck with what others would think.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i just realised something, i forgot about that. the above reflects what i didn't remember.

now, don't i feel relieved i didn't 'charge!!!' sukati?

(=P

A Reflection

My life has undergone a pretty big change this year. The constant nagging in me has finally won, and i, took the plunge at giving into my feelings. I couldn't stop it from happening, couldn't ignore it. Of course the hidden fear is always there, but, as my 'consultants' would say, 'you will NEVER know, if you don't try'. A cliche, i know, but a very very good cliche none the less. The one advice i'm glad i listened to. :D

A year ago, i was full of self doubt and my self esteem was at the bottom of the world. I felt like i was 13 again, awkward and lonely. Every evening, night, i would be on my bed, just wondering where i would be tomorrow, or the next week. Not physically, but, emotionally. Wondering if something, a miracle, would happen and sweep me off my feet, opening my eyes, my heart to something new and exciting.

Blaargh.... so emo one... hehe..

Now, i've found myself to be completely different. I am still the same, but, at the same time, i've changed.
I am more confident, i am more brave, i'm not afraid to 'show' myself anymore, i don't hide anymore. That's it. I don't hide. And i find it, liberating..
Somehow, having the courage to start my relationship has given me courage in other things too.
I went shopping alone for one thing. I NEVER do that. NEVER.
I walk alone now, which i kinda like bcoz it helps me focus.
I eat alone sometimes (busy no time to berami-rami).
I don't dwindle anymore.
I am more arrogant now, not overly over the top arrogant, but just enough to enable me to do the above. (dunno if it's good or not. hehe..)
I am more honest of my feelings.
I am more in control of myself. (emotionally, in actions, except for money. haih.. money..)
And, I like myself. hehe..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I should have started this a long time ago.
Anyway, I am charting my 'weight and fat lost program' progress from now on.
Let's see, the last time i weighed myself, i found that i've lost 5kg. I am not sure about now tho.
Oh yeah, when is the best time to weigh oneself? Morning no good because, you'll definitely be lighter (didn't eat the whole night mah..) Afternoon? Evening?
I can also see signs of my collarbone, ooo... i have paduhal.. haha..
My waist has slimmed 3 inches, which i am surprised to find.
I've been told that my face is slimmer and sharper. Hm.. pls refer to picture to compare.. haha..
I can now wear clothes that i only look at last time. ooo... hence MNG shopping
Oh, i don't pig out anymore. I still LOVE food, but, i've learned to curb my love for food. oink no more! hehe..
Oh, i wanted to weigh myself just now, but my colleague out of town so cannot borrow her scale. (yes, she has a scale in her office, go figure.)

I hope i don't put on whatever i lost. I am determined to be the half of me by the end of the year. Look good for Christmas mah.. hehe..
Christmas present for ME ;)